Real love only really hurts when you lose it

It's not like I haven't felt like this before. I've felt a lot worse; a lot worse has happened.

I think it's the way it happened, and how suddenly it happened

I feel like a piece of me is missing. The mad thing is, I didn't realise how big a piece of me that was. Until it was gone

And it is gone. I can feel it. I hope that I am wrong.

But I feel that I am right. My instincts told me yesterday, and I knew

I feel empty, and numb.

If someone had told me say half a year ago that I would feel like this if ever a situation like this was to occur, I would have laughed in their face.

But now I am experiencing it. And I'm not laughing.

It's 4am. I should try to sleep but I can't. I should at least get some work done but I can't stop asking myself "why on earth did I do that? Why do I insist on pushing the best people away?"

Until I can find the real answer to that, I may never change. And I can't keep hurting myself, and I can't keep hurting other people.

My closest friends, and those in his circle, knew how much he meant to me. But now that I may have lost him, I've realised I loved him

And those close to him and I know how screwed up that is

He was more or less perfect

All I have now is this sick feeling in my stomach; since that phone call in the restaurant last night

All day today, during the shooting and the filming I couldn't even concentrate properly; I didn't perform my best. My mind was somewhere else.....

I feel sick, and I'm not going to start going even deeper into my feelings

So I will do what I do with most things that really hurt

Try to forget it

Portia